Matchmaking for Women: India's Tradition and Beyond

In India, looking for a marriage partner has long been a family affair, but with more women taking an active role in society, the method and priorities of the search are starting to change.

In India, most marriages are arranged with the help of the family
Another busy day at the city's marriage bureau
This woman is searching for a partner without the involvement of her family

Transcript

00:17

A wedding party in full swing.

00:20

Every year, 10 million Indian couples are declared husband and wife.

00:25

Ninety percent are arranged marriages.

00:30

This couple took the traditional path, getting married four months after meeting.

00:39

Marriage in India is often a union of two families.

00:43

The groom and bride will usually share a similar family background, religion, caste, education, and occupation -

00:51

all seen as the bedrock of a happy marriage.

00:58

The quest to find the perfect somebody is an event that involves the whole family, and often other relatives.

01:09

The Sunday newspaper is a popular first step.

01:13

Families can search for and compare prospective partners that best suit their requirements.

01:19

"Looking for Groom - Born 1988. Beautiful girl. Caste no bar."

01:24

"Based in Washington D.C. Invites proposal from girls based in the US or open to relocating there."

01:32

Marriage bureaus are a common sight in any city, busy with families in search of a fitting spouse.

01:42

"I want a businessman, a person educated well, with a good house."

01:54

"And parents are also educated."

02:00

Here, the parents take the lead.

02:07

In recent years, though, the decision making is changing, and prospective brides are speaking up.

02:15

"We get married to humans. We don't get married to religion."

02:18

"You might come across a minority community."

02:22

"But if you work more than a person from a good background, maybe you have more to offer."

02:35

Women's role in society is evolving -

02:39

and so is the age-old search for a perfect match.

02:49

Pune is located in mid-western India.

02:56

The city has a population of about 4.5 million.

03:09

Down a side street, away from the hustle and bustle, is a marriage bureau.

03:15

People from all walks of life arrive at these doors, even politicians and celebrities.

03:26

Nandini Dange is 80 years old.

03:29

She's been in charge of the bureau since she founded it over 30 years ago.

03:38

Dange's introductions have helped more than 15,000 couples tie the knot.

03:43

She has a keen eye for compatibility, a reputation that attracts up to 400 new applicants a month.

03:52

These are our two forms.

03:54

This is for the boy and the pink is for the girl.

04:03

Questions range from date of birth, education, and occupation,

04:08

to personal habits and views on married life.

04:14

"Are you willing to have your own child?"

04:19

"Are you willing to stay in Family (Parents)?"

04:24

"Do you drink? Do you smoke?"

04:31

A quick scan of the form shows the matchmaker all the applicant's requirements for a lifelong partner.

04:39

"They all want extremely beautiful girls. They want to see the photo first."

04:53

"Fair, good features, smart and slim."

04:59

"I'll show you the photo of what they expect."

05:03

"They want a girl like this."

05:11

"Something like this."

05:17

"All men want beautiful women, like movie stars."

05:21

"They don't see themselves."

05:28

Matchmaking in India is a family activity.

05:32

And relatives have certain characteristics in mind when the search begins.

05:40

"Her sister married a man of a different caste."

05:44

"There's been a lot of problems."

05:46

"But she's happy?"

05:48

"Yes, but there are differences."

05:51

- "Different caste, different culture."
- "Too different."

05:54

"Even with a good education, the culture is different."

05:58

"She should marry someone from the same caste."

06:03

These two are mother and daughter.

06:06

But they are here on behalf of someone else.

06:13

"I'm looking for a bride for my son. He's in the USA."

06:18

"I'm looking for a bride for him. I came here to take her consultation."

06:27

"Date of birth is very important. She should be two years younger than him."

06:32

"Her height, her weight and her education. That is always very important for me to check."

06:43

India is a country of diverse religions and cultures.

06:48

People believe that sharing the same values and lifestyles is key to a happy marriage.

06:55

"It is a tradition."

06:57

"They know love marriage lasts very few years."

07:02

"That is why family background checking is very important."

07:07

"An arranged marriage system will never go from India. It will remain."

07:15

Many Indian parents share that faith in arranged marriages...

07:20

and go to great lengths to ensure a compatible partnership.

07:33

One woman beginning her matchmaking journey is Rucha.

07:37

She is 27 years old.

07:46

Her parents had visited Dange's bureau beforehand.

07:50

Today, they've come back with their daughter.

07:55

"Here are some people that might be a good match for your age."

08:01

Rucha is given a selection of candidates based on Dange's review.

08:07

First, the mother takes a look.

08:23

"Is this man a good fit for my daughter?"

08:30

"You've got to see him in person and see how he behaves."

08:41

"My daughter is concerned about whether or not he likes pets."

08:50

"Not about anything else. Just about pets."

08:56

With her mother advising, Rucha chose four men with a similar occupation and education.

09:03

It's her first step in the matchmaking process.

09:10

The family return to their home in the suburbs of Pune.

09:18

Rucha lives with her father, mother, and 22-year-old sister.

09:35

Rucha is a lawyer, a job she has held for more than three years.

09:40

Both of her parents are lawyers, and her younger sister wants to become one as well.

09:47

But legal work is not her only interest.

09:51

Rucha is also a qualified instructor of traditional Indian dance.

09:56

She is hoping her future husband will allow her to continue both activities.

10:02

That's like a small expectation that even they should encourage me

10:07

to perform or taking classes or anything.

10:13

Rucha is the dog-lover in this family.

10:16

Right now, she is caring for three furry companions.

10:28

That evening, the family gathers to review the four prospects chosen at Dange's bureau.

10:33

There's much to discuss.

10:37

The girl should come from a good family background, preferably educated in English.

10:44

Between 25-29 years of age.

10:47

Height between 5'3 to 5'8.

10:50

"I think he's pretty nice. Let's get more photos."

10:55

Your weakness: I'm a bit choosy.

10:59

"Astrology is a good match. Born the same month and an Aries."

11:03

"I'm a Capricorn."

11:07

In Indian marriages, checking that the stars are aligned is also important.

11:14

It just so happens, Rucha's mother is a certified astrologer.

11:21

It is very important.

11:24

That's why we always go to the horoscope.

11:27

So it is the best method to measure human anatomy.

11:33

What will be the nature of the life partner.

11:37

We can easily find out from the horoscope.

11:42

That is why it is very important to see before the marriage.

11:50

The life partner is a very big decision.

11:52

Because in the end, they will think how they have grown.

12:00

They have inculcated a lot of things in me.

12:04

They want the same things that I should enjoy the same life after marriage also.

12:13

The family has decided.

12:15

Rucha will proceed with two candidates.

12:18

One is a lawyer, and the other says he would put family first.

12:31

Over the past 30 years, more Indian women have become financially independent.

12:37

Many are now opting to choose partners on their own, with less input from their parents.

12:47

This woman in search of a partner has come to the bureau alone.

12:58

"These are the ones I have been keeping for you."

13:07

Sayali, 32 years old, registered one year ago.

13:13

She has been matched with two men so far, but in the end, both failed to satisfy.

13:20

Today, she's here for her third try.

13:24

"I think I'll go ahead with this one."

13:30

"I'll talk to him."

13:35

I think the first impression is the last impression of a person.

13:39

So, I'd like to see how well-spoken the boy is,

13:42

how well educated he is that talks to his manners.

13:47

So maybe these are small little things that I would be looking at in a boy.

13:52

So, you know like small gestures make a big difference.

13:55

So maybe the small little things.

14:02

Dange arranges a meeting for tomorrow.

14:06

"Girls are definitely more open. They study quite a lot now."

14:10

"They have more exposure."

14:12

"Their expectations are much more now."

14:16

"What has happened to families, they are becoming very small."

14:20

"So, they also prefer small families."

14:27

Sayali has her own apartment in Pune.

14:30

She lives alone.

14:36

She attended boarding school from a young age,

14:38

setting her on the road to independence - both social and financial.

14:54

After graduating from college, Sayali found a job at a company in Mumbai.

14:59

5 years later, she relocated to an IT company in Pune,

15:03

where she has a wide circle of friends and acquaintances.

15:09

Personally, I definitely prefer the love marriage because you know the person quite in advance.

15:14

In case if I had ended up meeting somebody through my work,

15:17

I would have definitely considered the person and probably thought about

15:21

going through a love marriage in that case.

15:28

She has a fulfilling job, working flexible hours, and had enjoyed living by herself.

15:35

But sometimes, she felt lonely and decided to start looking for a partner.

15:42

Look, I'm a girl.

15:43

I live in my mind most of the time.

15:46

I have like an ideal.

15:48

For example, I imagine going out doing grocery shopping with my husband, eating at a restaurant.

15:56

Watching Netflix at home and chilling.

16:00

Doing work out together.

16:01

Like, somebody who's a like a very good friend who I can...

16:05

So, yeah, I definitely have lots of fantasies in my life.

16:14

See something like this?

16:37

She heads to the cafe where they will meet.

16:49

This is Sayali's third candidate since she started down the matchmaking path.

16:56

His name is Amar.

16:58

He is 35 years old and runs a construction company.

17:02

So, how many girls... If you don't mind me asking, how many girls have you met?

17:06

Maybe eight to ten girls.

17:08

You met in person.

17:09

Even if you don't know who you want to marry,

17:11

as least you get to know who you don't want to marry.

17:13

Correct, at least one time.

17:15

And yeah, even after marriage,

17:17

I want to move out and have independent alone time to spend with my wife.

17:23

For a year or two at least. Have fun together and maybe travel outside.

17:29

So whatever we want to do, explore each other.

17:33

And really get to know the things about each other when we are alone.

17:37

When family is not around. Of course. Definitely.

17:42

Sayali has watched many of her friends get married.

17:49

Knowing those couples convinced her of what she should value in a partner.

17:56

For me, more than religion, more than community,

17:58

a person and his values and his thought processes and stuff,

18:02

those things matter more than anything else.

18:05

Because that's what at the end, you're going to live with, right?

18:08

And it's not the community or it's not the tradition.

18:11

Somebody who would accept me for who I am.

18:13

So that is the reason I will always put my face that this is how I am, OK.

18:18

Let's see if this works out or not.

18:21

I think that is a much easier way to deal with things.

18:29

Values are changing, and thanks to modern technology, so is matchmaking.

18:37

In recent years, more Indians are finding love and companionship online.

18:46

This company, established in 1997, runs a matchmaking app.

18:53

With digital natives now of marriageable age, the number of app users has reached 7 million.

19:05

And with an app, it becomes even more easy.

19:08

Because on the move, whenever they are free.

19:11

Maybe in a commute, they can actually take their phone and they can look at the matches.

19:16

They can connect through a chat or a video call or voice call at their convenience.

19:21

We also see something that more and more cities and towns, smaller towns,

19:27

more and more people are now getting to know our online platform

19:31

because of the awareness of social media and all those things.

19:38

Matchmaking apps are proving especially popular in rural areas,

19:42

where marriage bureaus are few and far between.

19:47

Navodayapuram is a village in the southern state of Kerala.

19:52

It is home to 250 households.

19:59

Roliya is 34 years old.

20:04

So for tomorrow's wedding, how many of your relatives are coming?

20:11

Maybe 700 neighbors, friends and relatives.

20:17

So, almost 700 people will be there at the marriage.

20:24

Some of the neighbors are there.

20:27

They will come to the marriage.

20:32

Tomorrow, Roliya is getting married to a man she met on the app.

20:37

The village will light up in a festival to celebrate the occasion.

20:46

But the merrymaking begins the day before.

20:52

A dinner party will take place in the evening, with 350 guests.

20:57

Friends of Roliya are here to help with preparations,

21:12

Super.

21:18

It's very nice.

21:26

Roliya lost her mother when she was 22.

21:34

While working as a civil engineer, she took care of her father, who had a chronic illness,

21:39

and her two younger brothers.

21:50

Roliya's brother registered her on the matchmaking app, hoping she would find happiness in marriage.

22:03

Few years before, I was not getting ready for marriage.

22:07

And my family forcefully request to marry.

22:14

But I wanted to live single.

22:21

My father is getting old and he's very tense about my future.

22:28

So I think I think for my father.

22:34

"No, that's too much."

22:38

"I don't need more hair."

22:46

It's finished.

22:57

Once married, Roliya will live with her husband's family.

23:03

The partner she met through the app lives about an hour's drive from this village.

23:11

Ravi, her father, knows this is his daughter's last night living in the village.

23:17

He works to keep the guests happy so Roliya can leave with a smile.

23:28

The pre-wedding celebration continued late into the night.

23:43

The day of the wedding.

23:49

Roliya's partner has arrived.

23:51

His name is Vinod, a 42-year-old civil servant.

23:58

Roliya wears a red sari, a gift from Vinod's family.

24:03

They head together to the ceremony venue.

24:10

The wedding ceremony is conducted according to Hindu teachings and local customs.

24:29

Red powder daubed on the hairline is a sign of a married woman.

24:41

With family and relatives watching over them, the couple becomes husband and wife.

24:54

After the ceremony, the bride and groom are presented in front of 700 family, friends and villagers.

25:36

They met on the matchmaking app 4 months ago.

25:40

Today is the seventh time they have met in person.

25:46

"I'm so excited, and also very tense,

25:49

about my future, family life."

25:57

So, I don't know what his character is or his demands so I don't know anything about that.

26:07

I wish he's gentle with that.

26:15

They will finally get to know each other better -

26:18

after getting married.

26:37

Back in the city, it's another busy day at Dange's marriage bureau.

26:46

"How about other castes?"

26:47

"I'm fine with that."

26:48

"The father is being flexible, too."

26:53

"But it's not easy."

26:56

"All of us have negative points. You have, she has, he has, I have."

27:01

"So we have to adjust, we have to compromise."

27:04

"Then marriage will work."

27:06

"The girls let us find the correct person."

27:12

"They will take their own sweet time. They are not in a hurry at all."

27:17

"Even if their age increases, they are not in a hurry at all."

27:20

"We will keep looking for a partner, definitely."

27:36

While matchmaking has a long tradition in India,

27:39

women are starting to see marriage in a new light.

27:44

The search for partners will continue to evolve...

27:47

part of the unending quest for happiness.